Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Dear Brother

What's ahead of us? Kor, both of us may have different personalities.. you may have different opinions from that of mine... we may have fought over a lot of issues, conflicts... but deep down inside me, you were my only childhood. It's so difficult to type all these when my vision is blurred. There's so much inside me that seeks for an answer. Some of which are similar to all that you're feeling inside you. Again I ask... What's ahead of us? Am I doing the right thing? Is this for me? or for a future that is laid for me? Is this really me? What have I done?

Truth is, I'm afraid of fighting for a life of my own. By doing so, I must have hurt others. At one point, I wanted to try them impossible..I hurt my parents. It has been 4 years.. I finally understood why mom and dad are heartbroken. In the end, everyone is heartbroken. I achieved nothing... but I'm glad impossible became possible. Possible not for me. I hope he forgives me in the future. I've already prayed for his health...most importantly. He should be out there fighting for a life of his own. Kor, there's so much to say now..but I can only manage to type this..anymore will tear me down.

"I'm sorry I can't be there for you. Please understand. I can't choose between. I can't bring myself further than what I've done..because the further I go... the more I hurt my parents. Thank you for loving me.."

Kor, you're probably going through much more than I am. We stand strong okay? We can make it through. Don't only be there for me. Let me be there for you. It's easier for me to overcome my own fear of heartache by learning how to go through yours. Thats why people say,

"hui shuo bie ren, bu hui shuo ji zi"

which means, 'can advice others but never ourselves'. It is usually used as an insult. I think otherwise. For those who advise others, they are setting aside their problems to help others go through hardship..because they know how it feels when they are not ready or not strong enough to help themselves..

Thank you, kor... please take care of your health okay? While I'm away, mom and dad needs you. Hope these pictures bring back our childhood.

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